Emptiness

In their pursuit of happiness, I often hear people say that they have followed their path in life, they have the career they always wanted, a loving family the ability to easily acquire all the things they want. Yet they quietly share that there also exists an emptiness within them. I wonder about the term empty, what does it really mean? Can you fill this emptiness? I don’t think so, I believe that is what we try to do in many forms, be it food, buying stuff, alcohol, the list goes on… the emptiness still remains. Perhaps, the emptiness is really more like a vacuum, a black hole and the more we stray from our life purpose and ignore what brings us joy and ignites our passion. The more intense the pull or vacuum becomes. Somewhat of a defense mechanism for the soul.

Underneath the many layers and experiences we have in our lives lies the answer. The way to disconnect this pull is to step into your soul purpose. Layer by layer begin to shed the beliefs you have held for so long and allow your light to shine. Breakthrough the blocks that were created by experiences you have had in your life. Ultimately, it is about giving yourself permission to “be YOU” It seems so simple, yet it can be such a struggle. However, the moment you become aware of this, is the moment you will begin to change. To be powerful is to express yourself fully and share your unique voice in the world. To be powerful is to fully embrace your unique gifts and share them with joy and passion. To be powerful is to listen to that part of you that already knows who you are becoming and take action with every awareness.

I give you permission to step out into the world and be “YOU”…try it, it feels great.

There is a beautiful song which I absolutely love, appropriately named “Empty” by Ray LaMontagne which I have shared below. There is a wonderful line  “well I looked my demons in the eyes, lay bare my chest, said do your best to destroy me”….to me he is saying…I am me, take it or leave it.

 

Who are you becoming?

In the last 3 years as I have been building my Life Coaching practice the question that comes up the most is; “What is Life Coaching?” This can be a difficult question to answer because the answer will be different for everyone in relation to what they are wanting and needing to experience. The other thing is that it is not a tangible product that you can pick up and look at and experience and try on in a way that is safe for you. What I mean by that is that you can go to a clothing store and try something on in the privacy of a dressing room and nobody needs to know what that experience was for you. You can also try on Life Coaching through a sample session and there is an aspect of exposing yourself. The question that then needs to be answered is Why? Why would I need to hire a coach?

So the answer to that question is “Who are you becoming?”. Where in your life do you experience a feeling of emptiness? Where in your life are you not honoring some or all of your values? Are you aware of your deepest values? Are you living your purpose in this life? If you could live your fullest life, what would it look like? What would be different? What would you no longer tolerate? What would you want more of? Where do you experience joy? Where do you not experience joy? Do you believe there is another path in life other than the one you think you should be following? What must you have? Where do your passions lie?

Working with a coach is about being “seen” and acknowledged and exploring the answers to “your” questions. You gain awareness and through that awareness you begin to see different possibilities and outcomes in your life. It is about experiencing a safe place to explore your dreams and ideas of how you may want to experience life differently. A place to play with the possibilities and not focus on the should’s and have to’s that are so prevolent in our lives.

Perhaps you have a passion to share something with the world in a big and powerful way yet you feel so attached to the 9-5 of everyday life and you need to be responsible. You want freedom to enjoy life to its fullest and it feels like you would be letting everyone down by exploring the possibilities, yet there is an entrepreneurial spirit burning inside you. Or maybe you just want to be able to spend as much time with your kids as you can, while you can. The scenarios are endless and so are the possibilities.

The fact is that you can try on coaching. I offer a free 30 min. consultation where you can experience life coaching. Either by phone or in person. Your choice. Coaching can help you explore who you are becoming.

Ross Tayler
Professional Life Coach
www.workplacealchemy.com
604-815-7089

 

The Garden

I have been spending a lot of time in my backyard. It’s a new experience renting a house with a yard. Almost everyday I go out at some point and just observe. I never really took the time to observe nature. What has become so apparent to me is just how quickly things in nature change. One day the tree has no flowers and the next day it is in full bloom. And then the flowers are gone just as quick thanks to the wind. There is so much change and growth, even the weeds become beautiful in this sense. The trees blend with the wind and yet remain grounded while everything is changing. All of this observing made me aware of the fact that life evolves this way as well. One moment there is struggle and challenge and just as quickly we move into a different way of being a new awareness.Joy can come quickly by experiencing laughter. The moment you experience laughter all of your problems dissolve even if just for a moment.

Somehow this awareness is exciting to me in the sense that anything is possible. Today I can be stuck in a windstorm trying to survive and the next I can be in full bloom soaking up the sunshine. It is from this place that it becomes clear that there is a choice. A choice to become very clear on what I am wanting in my life. An opportunity to explore what makes me strong and what I want to bring into my life that brings me joy. Nature reminds me that everything is happening perfectly. I can choose to create a beautiful life because I am supported by the same force that supports nature.

By the way I haven’t really gotten my hands dirty yet I’ve only mowed the lawn. Somehow I think it’s time to start weeding…..and play in the dirt.

Peace

 

Home

Over the last nine years, I have moved a total of six times and am now moved into my sixth place. As I look back there are many interesting thoughts about the places I have lived. However, what I have come to realize is that none of those places that I lived felt like “home”. When I first moved to Squamish I felt at home in the place we moved to. But I never felt that again until now. I am really excited about my new house and the energy and excitement that it brings. I think of that expression or idiom “Home is where the heart is”. I think that is so true ,our homes are an expression of ourselves the place from which we jump out into the world. A safe place to retreat to when life gets difficult. The place in which we nurture ourselves and recharge our batteries. A place to engage and connect with friends and family.

I am noticing a real difference in my energy & motivation in this new place. Granted to some extent I have felt this in other places, yet this is a deeper feeling. You see, in most of my previous places, I never felt the motivation to really decorate. In my last place I had one picture on the walls. Here I feel motivated to decorate and invest in my space. There is also another significant fact about this place. My two boys for the first time have their own rooms. Up until now they have shared. I wonder what will they do with their individual spaces???

The other exciting thing is that this is an unattached house. No neighbors above or below. I can play my music loud and stomp my feet and I no longer need to tell my kids to walk lightly or keep their voices down. Freedom!!!!!

So I share with you a great folk song that captures the essence of how I am feeling.

 

New Year’s Thoughts

So here we are….we made it to 2009. Yippeee. I am quite happy to be starting new and leaving last year behind. Not that it was a particularly bad year or anything, it just seemed there was a lot of struggle which I am happy to release. The struggle of course brought invaluable learning which is great as well and tiring.

This time of year can bring a lot of pressure to begin taking action in your life. The other day at work I was asked by a co-worker; “Ross, what are your New Year’s resolutions”? Well the truth is that I don’t have any. My thoughts around this New Year are that it feels like we can begin to really focus on what it is that we want in our lives and get it. So I find myself in a place of simply having an awareness of what I want with a keen eye on where I can take action. Ready to pounce like a cat going for the prey. The fact is that if I think of all steps it will take to fulfill change in areas of my life it can be overwhelming. On the other side of that if I am really clear on what I want I will no what to jump on when the opportunity presents itself. We tend to get so caught up in “how” we need to accomplish our goals that we miss the real opportunities that come along. It is also a way of allowing yourself to be present in the moment and live your life without getting swept away in the details. After a brief discussion my co-worker said that she was planning to go to Australia after graduation and there was a lot of stress around it. We agreed on the fact that by letting go of the details she would also be “trusting” herself to take all the right steps that would indeed get her to her goals. I believe that if we are truly going after what we want nothing can get in our way and we will be keenly aware of the opportunities that arise that allow us to take action. So the real question is not necessarily what are your resolutions. The real question is what do you truly want in 2009? Remember to enjoy the ride….. I think the band Trooper said it well, We’re here for a good time not a long time.

Trooper – We’re here for a good time (best sound quality I could find…boring video)

 

Responsibility & Values

So I took a two week break from writing, at least that’s how it turned out. Seasons Greetings everyone.

I had an interesting situation this morning as I got ready to go to work shortly after 5am. It snowed all night here which left at least 12 Inches of snow on the ground if not more. I didn’t hit the snooze button this morning and instead got up right away to give myself extra time to get to work in the snow. I park my car in a parking lot behind my building which is half covererd and gated. There is a security gate that slides from left to right. So I start my car click the remote for the gate and it won’t open. Great. I dig out the gate and it opens. Get back in my car and try to drive out before it closes. That was when I got stuck. There was no way to move the car. No shovel and certainly no volunteers to come push me at 530am. I realized at this point that I was not driving to work and had to call a taxi. The problem was that I decided to leave my car where it was which meant I was likely blocking the way for anyone else to get out. At this point I am late and can’t get a hold of the person I am working with to let her know what was happening. So I was faced with the following dilemnas:

1) I was late….I hate being late and I couldn’t communicate with the person that was waiting for me possibly in the cold.

2) I had to abandon my car which would affect my neighbors in my building

3) My car was either going to get towed or I had to get it towed.

4) I had a responsibility to get to work and open the store for customers. Seriously the world ends when Starbucks doesn’t open on time…..

5) I was feeling sick and really would have rather been in bed anyway.

Now I have to say that this was all compounded by the fact that I wasn’t feeling well at all. In the end I got to work over an hour late and we got the store open. I went back later and got my car unstuck with help from a neighbour and all was somewhat good again. After all, we all have times when we need to dig out our car, what’s the big deal. Well, in the midst of this I tried to let it all go. I mean really it’s just coffee, who cares if Starbucks doesn’t open on time. Who cares about my car, it will work out in the end. So what If I end up paying towing fees. Let it go it’s not a big deal. Just go with the flow. Easier said than done.

What I realized after the dust settled is that this is a story rooted in some serious core values. I also realize I need to let things go. But seriously. I have a strong value around timeliness. I value communication. I value taking responsibility for your actions and not allowing your decisions to impact others. I value the responsibility that comes with my job and don’t like to let people down. I have come to value self care and doing what is right for yourself in the moment.

Calling it a snow day and going back to bed simply was not an option for me yet it is what I would have liked to do. So my point is that in every situation or interaction there is an opportunity to discover what is important to you. What do you value at your core? Your values are what guide you and keep you centered and strong. There is also an opportunity to respond to and change your relationship to your values and give yourself and others some room to breathe when needed which leads to balance and fulfillment. Well, yet another lesson learned. I finished my day by having some soup and climbing into bed for a nap…..

What I really needed this morning was this…..

 

Slow Down

At work the other day I began to notice something. We seem to be moving through life at an alarming speed. I manage a fairly busy Starbucks location and over the weekend I was surprised at people’s urgency to get their coffee. I could literally feel peoples energy moving towards the counter. The next person/s in line couldn’t wait to get to order. This was on a Sunday. I remember when nothing was even open on Sunday’s. Does that make me old? Sunday used to be a day of rest amongst other things. When stores began to open on Sundays there was a lot of controversy and rules around it. At London Drugs the automotive aisle had gates on it so that you couldn’t buy products and “work” on your car. Speaking of cars, what I am describing here is similar to that person driving behind you that just can’t wait to pass you at the first opportunity. In such a hurry, that they will pass you on the double solid.

My kids and I often have what we call “Nothing Days” where we don’t even get dressed let alone leave the house. We love it. It is refreshing, relaxing and there are no expectations.

What is the cost of all this urgency? Is something wrong? Have we forgotten to enjoy life and to simply relax? Everything is coming at us at warp speed. Faster, bigger, better.

I believe we are missing a lot in the process and becoming very out of touch with ourselves. When was the last time you connected with the person behind the counter. Or took the time to say hello to the person behind you in the line up? Or noticed the scenery as you were driving instead of talking on the phone? What are you missing by always being 5 minutes late for everything? Is your day full of tasks and lacking fulfillment?

Slow down and observe all that you are missing. Slow down and say hello to the smiling baby. Listen to the children laughing and living life in the moment. Stop and get to know your neighbor. Say hello to the person in the elevator instead of looking at the floor. Leave for work fifteen minutes earlier and enjoy your coffee. Take some time to reconnect with yourself. Eliminate some of the must do’s on your calendar and replace with what you want to do. Take the time to lookout for your fellow human beings and connect with them. Slow down and begin to notice the gifts in life that are always present. Slow down and notice your breath.

You never know, you might meet your new best friend in the process.

The Beatles – Slow Down

 

What do I truly want?

This is probably one of the most powerful questions in coaching and the essence of what coaching is about. Moving towards and being in alignment with what you truly desire in your heart. It becomes a difficult question when your beliefs and experiences block your ability to be open to your dreams and desires. Busting through the blocks creates new experiences and a new reality.

The truth is that anything is possible if we believe in it and follow our hearts. I think we allow our thoughts to get in the way when we focus on the “how” of what it is that we want. We get in the way of what is possible. Through choice we become the creators of what we want in our lives. The simple choice is to truly say “yes” to what we want with all our being. This choice leads to commitment which turns into action.

As children we don’t worry about the how. All life is magical and anything is possible, there are not yet any limiting beliefs. As children we dream and we dream big. So when answering the question of what you want, the best way to answer it is from a playful childlike space with the belief that anything is possible. 

My challenge to you, is to take some time to answer the question What do you truly want? Here are some further questions to guide you through the process.

If I believed anything was possible what would I ask for?

Find the child inside you that dreams big and answer the question from that place.

What does it feel like to have received what you want? Use all your senses.  What do you see, hear, smell, feel?

What would you look like / act like? Who would be around you / with you?

What activities or groups would you belong to that support these dreams?

When you have gone through the process you may end up with an idea of many things that you want. Turn what you want into an affirmative statement/s. Spend time focusing on your statement daily. Think about what you want when you go to sleep each night.

Lastly if you go through the process and you find it difficult. Take note of your thoughts / beliefs that are getting in the way and turn them around. Focus on questioning your thoughts. Are they true? Try to let them go?

Some wisdom from the Magical World of Disney…..I think I’m going to go rent a Disney Movie now.

 

More on Communication

Have you ever been in a situation where you are talking to someone and you can literally see their eyes glazing over as you are speaking? You see that you are having an impact as the speaker. Or worse have you ever been in a situation where the person talking to you is going on and on and you have no idea what they are talking about and they don’t realize the impact they are having on you? More importantly, you just want to hear the bottom line of what it is wanted or needed from you.

As the speaker I think it is very important to be aware of the impact you are having. Notice body language, engagement and interest. There are times where it is appropriate to go into details and expand on what you are feeling and thinking and there are also times where you need to be concise and to the point.

In being trained as a coach we were taught how to help a client to or ask a client for the bottom line of what is being communicated. Think of it as a funnel with a tiny opening you are widdling down to the core of what is being said. We often share a lot of story in conversation which is entirely appropriate at the right time. At other times what is needed is simply a yes or no answer. Or the facts. 

Suggestions for clarity.

Read the situation – Determine if the time is appropriate for the conversation. Ex. If your boss has his coat on and has said goodbye, is it the best time to corner him for a chat. Perhaps let he / she know that you would like to talk the next time they are in.

Check for Understanding – Watch the listener’s body language see how what you are saying is landing. Ask questions. Ex. Am I making sense? Are you ok with what I am saying / sharing?

Be concise and to the point – Ask yourself what is it exactly that I want to convey to the listener and share that. Again you can ask if they need more information or clarification.

Check for engagement – Is the listener truly listening to you and what you are saying. If not find out why? Ex. are they focused on you and looking at you or are they watching people around you. If you are talking to someone on the phone, do you have their full attention or are they doing the dishes or checking email. If you listen carefully you will notice.

Scrubs – You talk too much, it’s a problem

 

Communication and Conflict

I recently wrote about listening. In conflict, being open to and actively listening can be very difficult because often we are defending our position. When I have found myself in a position of mediating conflict, I have found that within what is being said there is usually an acknowledgement of what the other person is saying and feeling. However, it is not being heard. Once I pull these facts into the open the conflict begins to diffuse.

What fascinates me is how often there is no communication when there is conflict. This is a bit scary to me, because when a conversation doesn’t happen there is little or no likelihood of resolution. This is particularly frustrating when the conflict exists between people who are working together on a regular basis. The bottom line is that there is likely a real reluctance to have the conversation. After all, we have all been on the recieving end of critical feedback. Why would we want to do that to another person? The thought of being honest with someone about how we are feeling can be a heavy burden. It is my belief that the scariest conversation is actually the one that doesn’t happen.

When you become frustrated with another persons actions, you carry the energy of the situation. You can release the energy by letting the problem go or by having a conversation with the other person. If you don’t take action you are carrying that negative energy with you. The other thing is, that by not having the conversation, you are not allowing the other person an opportunity to change or become aware of the impact they are having. Another factor is, that we all have our own perceptions and beliefs about a situation. There can be 2 people who are each holding onto their beliefs of each other. It is only when they sit down and are honest with each other that they can figure out what the truth is. This can result in really clearing the air and allowing for positive dialogue.

Some quick tips for difficult conversations.

1) Sleep on it - Take some time to let the emotion of the moment diffuse. This can create an opportunity for a more productive and positive conversation. I can think of lots of times that I have said something in the heat of the moment and really wished i hadn’t. It is however important to be timely. Personally, I don’t like to hear about something a week or more after the fact.

2) Focus on the behaviour rather than the person - Focusing on the behaviour will make it less personal. Ex. “Beth, when you gave me feedback in front of that customer i felt intimidated”

3) Ask for what you want - Ex. “I appreciate feedback because it gives me an opportunity to change, in future i would appreciate if the feedback was given in a private location away from coworkers and customers”

4) Be Honest & Open – The problem or situation is unlikely to be resolved if you aren’t sharing or talking about the real problem. Being honest can also build trust.

5) Ask for help - If you are uncomfortable with the situation ask a friend, coworker or supervisor for help. Often clarity can come from seeking the advice of a neutral party. In work situations it can also be beneficial to involve the human resources dept. if needed. If you are feeling threatened or uncomfortable you need to take whatever action you feel comfortable with and if that means going to a higher power,  I believe that’s what you should do.

Conflict on Sesame Street

Just for fun I want to share this video i stumbled upon because I totally remember it from when I was a kid. The truth is that it has popped into my head on occasion…..