Late Night Thoughts

I had the pleasure this evening (at this point yesterday evening) to take part in an impromptu gathering of writers in Squamish. I was inspired because this was possible because someone vocalized a thought. The thought was…let’s still hold this event ourselves even though it has been cancelled. There was a minimal amount of complaining instead the focus was positive action. I love it!!!

This is such a great example of out of the box thinking and for standing up for something in such a positive way. I truly believe that there is always something that can be said and someone who is having the thought and perhaps not saying it. As we say in coaching “blurt” you never know what is going to land and what the results will be.

In this case the result was a passionate group of writers sharing their passion and joy for their craft.

Cheers to you all!!

What is the impact you are having?

I have been an observer recently in some interesting human experiences, which caused me to stop and think.

Whether we are conscious of it or not our words, thoughts, actions and body language can have an impact on those around us. In every situation we have an opportunity to choose and become aware of the impact we are having. Often our beliefs, values and life experiences allow us to pass judgment rather quickly on an individual or situation without actually gathering any information.

Can you think of a time recently where you were angered by a situation or someone? What was your reaction? What were you feeling? Did you have a physical reaction (what were you feeling in your body) to the person or situation? Did you display your frustration outwardly? Did you stay in the situation? Or remove yourself from the situation? What triggered your emotions or feelings? What impact did you have on those around you? Did you spend any time looking at the situation objectively? Did you react or did you compose yourself and return to the situation? What would you do differently if the same situation occurred again?

It would seem that by default we can go to a place of judgment very quickly. Is this really fair? Well, it is my belief that every individual and every situation has a back story that is worth discovering. The moment we drop our judgments we are open to acceptance which leads to truth. The moment you pass judgment you are creating the need for that person to defend themselves or the situation. When one person is defending themselves you are now in conflict. Is there a better way?

A solution could be to take a deep breath and simply get curious with the person or the situation. Ask lots of questions and gather information. Another solution could be to remove yourself and take some time to gain composure. Lastly, you can look in the mirror and question yourself and why you have the judgment and feelings you do. What life experience have you had that is allowing you to look at things in this way? What can I change that would make the situation better?

I can think of many situations at work when a supervisor would come to me with a problem they are having with an employee. I would always hear them out and then I would always ask the same question. Tell me about the conversation you had with that person? Usually the answer was that they hadn’t talked to that person. So ultimately what they were doing was judging and venting. Now I am a firm believer that venting is powerful and necessary, and, at some point there needs to be action. Conversation and curiosity are powerful actions.

Action is powerful because, when we step into action we are also choosing the impact we are going to have. We still need to be open and ready to act differently based on what we discover. Ultimately we are opening the door to having a positive lasting impact. I think that nine times out of ten we are open to having a conversation and learning about ourselves. This can only happen if we choose that.

Lastly, I think it is far too easy to write someone or something off. Can you think of a time when someone chose to invest time on you? What was the impact?

Self Care

How do we step out of the treadmill that is our life and prioritize the time it takes to focus on ourselves? Is it really as difficult as it seems or is it simple?

In a lot of ways life can and does feel like a treadmill. We get so caught up in our daily routines. Being back at work full time has really made me realize this. Life can be challenging and throws us curve balls from time to time. Sometimes there is energy to duck the ball other times it hits us because we don’t have the energy to avoid it.

It takes a lot of courage to stop and interrogate the reality of what is happening and create an awareness of the choices that may be available.

I have to say as I write this I am pretty thankful for all of the challenges and experiences that I have had in my life. I may not have realized it at the time, but I can honestly say they have served me well. I am also lucky to be surrounded by great people who encourage me to challenge my reality and are pretty candid with me. (usually this takes the form of a slap upside the head along with some very clear unedited verbal cues) But i realize that not all of us are lucky enough to have this. To this end, I feel really good about providing my coaching to those who seek it. Coaching can provide a safe space for this kind of dialogue.

When I think of self care, it comes down to two things: awareness & action. First the awareness of the issue and then taking action. I love the metaphor of the Merry go Round. I remember as a kid taking a ride and spinning while hanging on to the outside. Oh the dizziness….what did I do to counter this? I went to the center because in the center the ride is much easier and smoother. By taking action on what we need for ourselves we are stepping to the inside of the merry go round. Thus creating balance in our lives. Self care is fuel for our tanks. In some cases we give all our fuel to those in our lives and forget to fuel ourselves first.

Personally, I am thankful for my ability to shine the light on and openly discuss what I have become aware of over the years. It has really allowed me to be clear on where my action lies. I am a pretty open book when it comes to sharing what is happening for me. I realize however that this does not come easily for all of us and there are many reasons for that.

What small step can you take today that will contribute to your self care? It doesn’t have to be difficult.

10 minutes of quiet.
Read a chapter of your favourite book.
Spend some quality time with a loved one.
Go for a walk.
Go relax in a hot tub.
Go swim in the lake.
Have a nice bath with some candles.
Make yourself a nice dinner.
Go for a massage.
Call a good friend and have a venting session.

Take one step to the center of your merry go round. It doesn’t need to be difficult.

I am off to have a quick nap….

Parenting

I have had some interesting thoughts and experiences lately in regards to parenting that I would like to share. The question is, when do we need to let go of trying to get our point across with our kids and let them be involved in the process? More importantly, can we stop and listen to what our kids are saying and realize that perhaps they are right and have a point?

I had an experience with my youngest son recently and the issue was about cleaning his room. This is the most frequent. On this occasion he had just arrived at my house (their Mom and I have joint custody, week on week off) and we were going to go out and I had something to do before we could leave. I suggested that the time be used to clean his room. This was met with immediate resistance, which took the form of yelling an protesting. For me this brought up two problems. The first being that I want to teach him that he can get his point across by talking. The second, that he really needs to clean his room without the resistance. Unfortunately the situation escalated very quickly. Because he was yelling I really wasn’t listening to what he was saying. However, on this occasion I heard his protest which was “I just cleaned my room at my Mom’s house before we came here.” When I thought about it I realized that he had a point and that based on this information there was some room for negotiation.

The problem was that I was at a point of wanting to punish his behaviour and was not willing to back down. I really stopped to think about the situation and wanted to try something differently. As a parent I feel pressured to pursue the punishment as a means of teaching. But is this always the right way? When do we back down and not lose face?

Well I realized in this situation that by backing down I could actually effectively teach him something about getting his point across in a positive way. I felt it was really important for him to know that I heard him and what he was saying. I also wanted him to see that by talking he would be heard more readily. I also wanted him to know that there was also some room for negotiation that would allow for a more amiable outcome.

So i put the brakes on and calmed him down and told him that I heard what he was saying and that based on hearing that information we could talk about solutions. I also emphasized the points that I was trying to get across and felt that I was heard. In the days following, when he became angry I was able to touch back to this situation and remind him of what he had learned. The end result of this was that his room got cleaned the next day and he had learned a valuable lesson.

In the end I felt it was more important that he know that his frustrations can be heard if delivered in a productive way. I did not punish his behaviour in this situation and it actually worked out for the good.

I really believe that my kids are able to make decisions on their own and I wonder how much influence we can have if we are so stuck on getting our point across rather than honouring their ability to learn things on their own. Not everything is black and white.

I remember as a kid some of my most powerful learnings were when I realized for myself that I had done something wrong. Usually this took the form of me saying to my Mom. “you were right, I was wrong” I still am able to say those words today in many situations.

In coaching we say that our clients are “naturally creative, resourceful and whole”…. I believe this goes for kids as well. We as parents just need to allow the space for this to happen which means letting go of our agenda sometimes.

Your thoughts and comments???

Gratitude

I feel compelled to share some gratitude. And there is the thought, why am I sharing this with everyone? Well, I notice that I find it very easy to focus on the things I am lacking or wanting. It feels good to switch gears and put the focus into the positive and acknowledge all the things I have.
It also feels good to really put it out there.

I am grateful for:

My wonderful kids!!!!!

An amazing week filled with joy excitement, fun & of course personal learning.

I am so blessed, I have a lot of friends and acquaintances, and I have some really really close friends that are so important to me in my life. I can’t say enough about how lucky I am to have that. My Mother always said that if you can say you have one close friend is this lifetime you are lucky. I have more than one. Love you guys!!!!

I am grateful to be living in such a beautiful area. This brings me so much happiness…To be able to look out my window and see so much beauty….WOW

Life Lessons….They are happening all around us and if we stop & notice them there is so much to be learned. I love that. Even what seems like entertainment can teach you lots. I am grateful for my awareness and curiousity of these moments.

I am grateful for all the great people that I get to work with. I have been amazed and surprised recently and it feels wonderful to be a part in this yet again. I love how we take care of each other without even a thought.

All the amazing wonderful people in my life.

I could go on for quite a while, but these are the ones that are top of mind right now.

What are you grateful for?