Saying No….

Something that I hear often from friends and co-workers is that they have a hard time saying “no”.

Two little letters yet they are so difficult to say and it’s not really about the letters it’s about the perceived impact that the word has on others. This is definitely a skill that likely leaves us sometime after childhood. My kids are quite confident in saying no to their good old Dad. As we get older we trade no for recognition and praise with the intent of pleasing and helping others.

A great strategy for saying no is turn it around and say yes to yourself. Which is another way of taking care of yourself. Still a challenge, yet for the receiver they may find it harder to go against what you are stating.  Being as honest & clear as you can be is also important here.

Let’s look at an example:

Work calls. “someone called in sick today, would you be able to come in to work today”

The truth is that you are about to leave for the beach and are really looking forward to the rest & sunshine. You don’t want to let your coworkers down. In the past you have said yes and you didn’t feel good about yourself for not being true to what you wanted.

Possible responses: I won’t be able to come in because I am just leaving the house and can’t change my plans.

You don’t need to apologize and you also don’t need to give all the information.

I had a tough week and am really needing the day off today to rest, and don’t feel it would be good if I was to come into work.

The end result is that you are saying no by saying yes to what you are needing. Look for what you are feeling and acknowledge your needs in the moment. The other thing to remember is that you can take time to think about a response by calling back or telling the person you need a few minutes to think about it. Time is a great way to get clear on what you are needing in the moment and the possible impact / outcomes of your decision. Be honest & clear.

Over the next week look for as many opportunities you can to practice saying yes…i mean no….

Here is a link to a website that list’s 20 ways to say “No”

Life Purpose

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life purpose. In coaching I help my clients to craft their life purpose statements as I have done for myself. A book I am reading says that we are always working towards our true purpose in life and the experiences we have in life are like concentric circles surrounding our purpose. As we work through the challenges in our lives we are coming closer to revealing that purpose and peeling away the layers of concentric circles. I recently watched “Fierce Grace” a documentary about Ram Dass who realized much later in life with much humility that there was still much to be learned. Search for it on YouTube it is a great movie.

 As I drove to Vancouver today I started pondering the question again….”What is my life purpose” Then I remembered that in a reading with my friend Lynda who is a channeler, her source said that our purpose on this earth is “To become a physical manifestation of love”

This led me to the thought that when faced with a situation in our lives we can ask the question, “What would love do?” or “What would love say?”

Then I had the thought “What is love?” We always talk about love. I say it freely to those that I care deeply about. But what is it really? When I googled “What is love” inevitably there was links to the song by “Haddaway” made famous by the movie Night at the Roxbury. But seriously, I realized that this is a very big question.

I spent quite a bit of time thinking of words to define love and how I would describe it. Then I thought of some of the more significant events in my life and how I felt on the other side of it. I think of what I have felt in witnessing some amazing gestures of kindness and caring and being on the recieving end of some of those gestures. I just finished reading “The Kiterunner” (an amazing book) which has many examples of love in action. In the end of all of my thinking, I can only come up with this thought which I have heard before….”Love is silent” In those moments when you truly feel it or give it or witness it…there is nothing to say. It is forever expanding and growing in our hearts. As we experience life we continue to feel  the imensitiy of love it is infinite.  So then if what Lynda’s source said is true than as we move through life we are continuing to experience and grow and deepen our understanding of love……

I am sure you have heard the saying about kids and drunks being the two most honest things in life. When I googled “What does love mean?” i came across a website that listed the responses of kids. Quite simply it shows the extent to which the question can be answered…. Check it out.

An exercise in self care

Recently I wrote a post about Self Care in which I referred to a Merry Go Round as a metaphor for how we can feel in our everyday lives.

Below i have posted a link to a great exercise that can help you visualize where the need for balance exists in your life. As you complete the exercise think of the wheel as a “Merry Go Round” You will likely notice that the different pieces affect each other. Career can affect money etc. Feel free to label the pieces as you like or split them into two if it makes it more relevant.  The more pieces out of balance the more likely your ride is dizzying.

When your wheel is balanced you are honouring your values, taking a balanced approach to all areas of your life and are free to explore more fully, your purpose in life. You are grounded and standing in the center where the ride is much easier and smooth.

Another thought is that the more you are out of balance in any one piece, the more it overshadows the rest and doesn’t allow you to see or act on other pieces that need attention.

I hope that this exercise inspires some thoughts and questions for you. Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences.

Click link for wheel-of-life exercise

Oh…the thoughts that throw me into the ditch

Over the last couple of years I have become painfully aware of the wonderful and persistent thoughts that play over and over in my head. The situation is always different but the energy of the experience is always the same.

Countless situations, where I become quite simply obsessive about the thoughts. Not to mention creative in the stories and pictures that I allow these thoughts to create.

I am happy to say that my ditch is getting shallower and I am spending much less time in the ditch. That said, the experience still sucks my energy and my happiness and is extremely frustrating. The funny part is that I am consciously aware and watching what transpires and consciously trying to choose a different path yet the battle is fierce. All the while witnessing the process.

In then end of every “trip” into the ditch, the outcome is always the same. The thoughts are proven to be 100% wrong. As I climb out i think to myself, “wow, not one thought I had was true”. The fact that I am at the same time watching the experience and commenting and trying to talk myself out of it is fascinating. Are there really two voices in my head one rational and one not. In the end the rational voice always has something clever to say about the experience. Kind of like when your mother says I told you so….

Below you will find a video by Jill Bolte Taylor, she wrote a book called “My Stroke of Insight” In this book she writes about her experience of having a stroke on the left side of her brain and the total state of bliss she found herself in after the stroke. I think it is a great example of what I am speaking about.

Fixing

I have been noticing lately that when challenges arise with friends, loved ones, coworkers. It is often our first instinct to try and help that person “fix” their situation. Even in coaching this can creep up.

What is the impact we are having, when we try to “fix” something for someone? Well, sometimes it is welcomed and flows naturally. Or, by providing solutions we are saying to that person, “you should be doing….” At times we can be pushy & persistent in expressing our views. The end result is that the person we are trying to help is frustrated and doesn’t feel any better about what is challenging them.

I think as human beings sometimes the best thing to help, is a dose of listening, compassion and acknowledgement. “This must be difficult for you to be experiencing this challenge”

There are certain experiences and situations which we just need to work through on our own and at that point it is nice to just have someone to listen to you. There are times when the only solution can come from inside ourselves.

Take some time to check in with yourself the next time you are helping someone. What is truly needed? You could even ask the question… What can I do to support you? Or simply provide a loving ear.

Care more than others think is wise

How often have you quickly written someone off and not given any attention to them or their needs based on what you have seen or what others have said?

I think this is a natural occurence after all we are only human.

Recently I have found myself believing in someone that I initially had written off, and by investing some time and energy have witnessed some amazing growth and results.

Then at a party tonight I heard an elementary school teacher tell a story of how she had pulled a student aside and told him “hey this is a new year and you get to start with a clean slate”. After speaking to her I learned that she had been told that this particular student was a “problem”.
This is not the first time that I have heard this kind of story and I was thrilled to be hearing it first hand.This teacher was willing to let go of everything that she had heard and instill her belief in this student as being something more than what he/she had been labelled. That is absolutely wonderful and inspiring to witness. What courage to step outside and instill your belief in someones abilities.

I remember having this very same experience in Grade 7. I was struggling along in life and my teacher took an interest in me and invested his time and energy and I can honestly say that it changed my life. I have also had many other experiences like this that have moulded who I am today.

We can all benefit from the experience of someone seeing us as more than we are currently capable of seeing ourselves. It is the inspiration that we need to continue moving forward on our journey.

Dave Matthews Band – So Much to Say

Last weekend I was able to attend 2 Dave Matthews Band (DMB) shows at the Gorge. I have and continue to really connect with their music. It was an absolutely amazing experience to be their and watch them perform live. I believe that many of their songs have a very powerful message to share.

Sadly their Saxophone player Leroi Moore passed away recently and the concert on Friday night was their first after the funeral that Wednesday. The emotional energy during the show and the songs that they played made for an unforgettable experience which I can not find the words to describe. Quite simply you had to be there.

One of the many things I noticed about DMB is that they love what they do and they are extremely present in the moment which makes for such an amazing show. There is certainly a message in there for how we live our lives.

There are many a DMB song that I could share but the one that seems to resonate the most for sharing is “So Much to Say”. I have recently found some short pieces of writing etc. that succintly and swiftly speak of the human experience and the struggle with our ego. I love it when a creative piece can strike straight to the heart of what the likes of Eckhart Tolle and others are speaking about in book length.

To me this song speaks to our struggle with the ego and allowing our true selves to jump out and live in the world and embrace the authentic expression of ourselves. I won’t go in depth as I would love to engage your thoughts on what you see or hear in this song. Video and Lyrics below.

Here is a great video of DMB playing the song live in Central Park 2003

Here are the lyrics:

Say my hell is the closet
I’m stuck inside
Can’t see the light
And my heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating
And I’m alright
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Can’t see the light
Keep it locked up inside
Don’t talk about it
Talk about the weather
Can’t see the light
Open up my head and let me out, little baby
Here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time

I say my hell is the closet I’m stuck inside
Can’t see the light
And my heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating and I’m alright
Here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time
I find sometimes it’s easy to be myself
Sometimes I find it’s better to be somebody else

I see you young and soft oh little baby
Little feet, little hands, little baby
One year of cryin’ and the words creep up inside
Creep into your mind
So much to say
Here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time
I find sometimes it’s easy
to be myself
Sometimes I find it’s better
to be somebody else

So much to say
Open up my head and let me out
Little baby

Life Lessons

Must I have yet another life lesson? Have you ever asked that question of yourself?

I mean serioulsly…Can’t I have a break already. I know that what I am saying is not very positive. But do I always need to be positive? I don’t think so?

This has been a very challenging and yet exciting year of change and growth…..But I say “enough already”. Ok that is my vent…

I was also pleasantly reminded today by a dear person at work, to live each day to it’s fullest cuz it could be your last. This was anchored, by her sharing that she had lost 8 loved ones just this year. Talk about enough already. That would be a lot to take. However, it is a solid reminder to live life in the here and now and enjoy each and every moment that we are alive.

And part of being human is allowing the so called negative perspectives to be aired out as well!!

This morning my “Note from the Universe” (www.tut.com) said “Ross, you are exactly “where” you should be”. There is some food for thought.

Ciao!