What do I truly want?

This is probably one of the most powerful questions in coaching and the essence of what coaching is about. Moving towards and being in alignment with what you truly desire in your heart. It becomes a difficult question when your beliefs and experiences block your ability to be open to your dreams and desires. Busting through the blocks creates new experiences and a new reality.

The truth is that anything is possible if we believe in it and follow our hearts. I think we allow our thoughts to get in the way when we focus on the “how” of what it is that we want. We get in the way of what is possible. Through choice we become the creators of what we want in our lives. The simple choice is to truly say “yes” to what we want with all our being. This choice leads to commitment which turns into action.

As children we don’t worry about the how. All life is magical and anything is possible, there are not yet any limiting beliefs. As children we dream and we dream big. So when answering the question of what you want, the best way to answer it is from a playful childlike space with the belief that anything is possible. 

My challenge to you, is to take some time to answer the question What do you truly want? Here are some further questions to guide you through the process.

If I believed anything was possible what would I ask for?

Find the child inside you that dreams big and answer the question from that place.

What does it feel like to have received what you want? Use all your senses.  What do you see, hear, smell, feel?

What would you look like / act like? Who would be around you / with you?

What activities or groups would you belong to that support these dreams?

When you have gone through the process you may end up with an idea of many things that you want. Turn what you want into an affirmative statement/s. Spend time focusing on your statement daily. Think about what you want when you go to sleep each night.

Lastly if you go through the process and you find it difficult. Take note of your thoughts / beliefs that are getting in the way and turn them around. Focus on questioning your thoughts. Are they true? Try to let them go?

Some wisdom from the Magical World of Disney…..I think I’m going to go rent a Disney Movie now.

More on Communication

Have you ever been in a situation where you are talking to someone and you can literally see their eyes glazing over as you are speaking? You see that you are having an impact as the speaker. Or worse have you ever been in a situation where the person talking to you is going on and on and you have no idea what they are talking about and they don’t realize the impact they are having on you? More importantly, you just want to hear the bottom line of what it is wanted or needed from you.

As the speaker I think it is very important to be aware of the impact you are having. Notice body language, engagement and interest. There are times where it is appropriate to go into details and expand on what you are feeling and thinking and there are also times where you need to be concise and to the point.

In being trained as a coach we were taught how to help a client to or ask a client for the bottom line of what is being communicated. Think of it as a funnel with a tiny opening you are widdling down to the core of what is being said. We often share a lot of story in conversation which is entirely appropriate at the right time. At other times what is needed is simply a yes or no answer. Or the facts. 

Suggestions for clarity.

Read the situation – Determine if the time is appropriate for the conversation. Ex. If your boss has his coat on and has said goodbye, is it the best time to corner him for a chat. Perhaps let he / she know that you would like to talk the next time they are in.

Check for Understanding – Watch the listener’s body language see how what you are saying is landing. Ask questions. Ex. Am I making sense? Are you ok with what I am saying / sharing?

Be concise and to the point – Ask yourself what is it exactly that I want to convey to the listener and share that. Again you can ask if they need more information or clarification.

Check for engagement – Is the listener truly listening to you and what you are saying. If not find out why? Ex. are they focused on you and looking at you or are they watching people around you. If you are talking to someone on the phone, do you have their full attention or are they doing the dishes or checking email. If you listen carefully you will notice.

Scrubs – You talk too much, it’s a problem

Communication and Conflict

I recently wrote about listening. In conflict, being open to and actively listening can be very difficult because often we are defending our position. When I have found myself in a position of mediating conflict, I have found that within what is being said there is usually an acknowledgement of what the other person is saying and feeling. However, it is not being heard. Once I pull these facts into the open the conflict begins to diffuse.

What fascinates me is how often there is no communication when there is conflict. This is a bit scary to me, because when a conversation doesn’t happen there is little or no likelihood of resolution. This is particularly frustrating when the conflict exists between people who are working together on a regular basis. The bottom line is that there is likely a real reluctance to have the conversation. After all, we have all been on the recieving end of critical feedback. Why would we want to do that to another person? The thought of being honest with someone about how we are feeling can be a heavy burden. It is my belief that the scariest conversation is actually the one that doesn’t happen.

When you become frustrated with another persons actions, you carry the energy of the situation. You can release the energy by letting the problem go or by having a conversation with the other person. If you don’t take action you are carrying that negative energy with you. The other thing is, that by not having the conversation, you are not allowing the other person an opportunity to change or become aware of the impact they are having. Another factor is, that we all have our own perceptions and beliefs about a situation. There can be 2 people who are each holding onto their beliefs of each other. It is only when they sit down and are honest with each other that they can figure out what the truth is. This can result in really clearing the air and allowing for positive dialogue.

Some quick tips for difficult conversations.

1) Sleep on it - Take some time to let the emotion of the moment diffuse. This can create an opportunity for a more productive and positive conversation. I can think of lots of times that I have said something in the heat of the moment and really wished i hadn’t. It is however important to be timely. Personally, I don’t like to hear about something a week or more after the fact.

2) Focus on the behaviour rather than the person - Focusing on the behaviour will make it less personal. Ex. “Beth, when you gave me feedback in front of that customer i felt intimidated”

3) Ask for what you want - Ex. “I appreciate feedback because it gives me an opportunity to change, in future i would appreciate if the feedback was given in a private location away from coworkers and customers”

4) Be Honest & Open – The problem or situation is unlikely to be resolved if you aren’t sharing or talking about the real problem. Being honest can also build trust.

5) Ask for help - If you are uncomfortable with the situation ask a friend, coworker or supervisor for help. Often clarity can come from seeking the advice of a neutral party. In work situations it can also be beneficial to involve the human resources dept. if needed. If you are feeling threatened or uncomfortable you need to take whatever action you feel comfortable with and if that means going to a higher power,  I believe that’s what you should do.

Conflict on Sesame Street

Just for fun I want to share this video i stumbled upon because I totally remember it from when I was a kid. The truth is that it has popped into my head on occasion…..

The Power of Community

Last week I went to New Orleans with Starbucks for a Leadership Conference. 10,000 managers from around North America converged on the city. As I reflect on the experience I take away the awareness of what can happen when we come together to influence change. It is my belief that true community spirit or a coming together is what will change the world in a positive way. During the conference Starbucks managers did approx. 50,000 hours of community service, painting houses, landscaping, beautification projects. The stories of what the people of New Orleans have gone through after Katrina as well as the gratitude they showed for the support was absolutely amazing.

There was another great experience which was getting to see and learn about the Playing for Change band. This is a group of street performers / artists from around the world that are playing for peace. Part of what they do is raise money to build music schools in Africa. There music will be coming to Starbucks in 2009. I experienced them live during the conference and fell in love with Grandpa Elliot. See videos below.

Our workplace is a natural community where we can discover our passions and make a difference in the community that we live in. That is one of the things that excites me about being a manager of a Starbucks, i am empowered to contribute positively to the community in which we reside. Community is one of the things I love about Squamish. Whatever your passion, I assure you there is a community of like minded individuals that you can become a part of.

Stand By Me – Playing for Change

Playing for Change Live at the Starbucks Leadership Conference in New Orleans

I was up in the front the energy of the crowd was absolutely amazing!! FYI they did about 3 encores after that as well. Grandpa Elliot played a gut wrenching version of Amazing Grace on the Harmonica. There is a video below of Grandpa Elliot.

One Love – Playing For Change (short version)

Grandpa Elliot