Communication and Conflict

I recently wrote about listening. In conflict, being open to and actively listening can be very difficult because often we are defending our position. When I have found myself in a position of mediating conflict, I have found that within what is being said there is usually an acknowledgement of what the other person is saying and feeling. However, it is not being heard. Once I pull these facts into the open the conflict begins to diffuse.

What fascinates me is how often there is no communication when there is conflict. This is a bit scary to me, because when a conversation doesn’t happen there is little or no likelihood of resolution. This is particularly frustrating when the conflict exists between people who are working together on a regular basis. The bottom line is that there is likely a real reluctance to have the conversation. After all, we have all been on the recieving end of critical feedback. Why would we want to do that to another person? The thought of being honest with someone about how we are feeling can be a heavy burden. It is my belief that the scariest conversation is actually the one that doesn’t happen.

When you become frustrated with another persons actions, you carry the energy of the situation. You can release the energy by letting the problem go or by having a conversation with the other person. If you don’t take action you are carrying that negative energy with you. The other thing is, that by not having the conversation, you are not allowing the other person an opportunity to change or become aware of the impact they are having. Another factor is, that we all have our own perceptions and beliefs about a situation. There can be 2 people who are each holding onto their beliefs of each other. It is only when they sit down and are honest with each other that they can figure out what the truth is. This can result in really clearing the air and allowing for positive dialogue.

Some quick tips for difficult conversations.

1) Sleep on it - Take some time to let the emotion of the moment diffuse. This can create an opportunity for a more productive and positive conversation. I can think of lots of times that I have said something in the heat of the moment and really wished i hadn’t. It is however important to be timely. Personally, I don’t like to hear about something a week or more after the fact.

2) Focus on the behaviour rather than the person - Focusing on the behaviour will make it less personal. Ex. “Beth, when you gave me feedback in front of that customer i felt intimidated”

3) Ask for what you want - Ex. “I appreciate feedback because it gives me an opportunity to change, in future i would appreciate if the feedback was given in a private location away from coworkers and customers”

4) Be Honest & Open – The problem or situation is unlikely to be resolved if you aren’t sharing or talking about the real problem. Being honest can also build trust.

5) Ask for help - If you are uncomfortable with the situation ask a friend, coworker or supervisor for help. Often clarity can come from seeking the advice of a neutral party. In work situations it can also be beneficial to involve the human resources dept. if needed. If you are feeling threatened or uncomfortable you need to take whatever action you feel comfortable with and if that means going to a higher power,  I believe that’s what you should do.

Conflict on Sesame Street

Just for fun I want to share this video i stumbled upon because I totally remember it from when I was a kid. The truth is that it has popped into my head on occasion…..