Over the last nine years, I have moved a total of six times and am now moved into my sixth place. As I look back there are many interesting thoughts about the places I have lived. However, what I have come to realize is that none of those places that I lived felt like “home”. When I first moved to Squamish I felt at home in the place we moved to. But I never felt that again until now. I am really excited about my new house and the energy and excitement that it brings. I think of that expression or idiom “Home is where the heart is”. I think that is so true ,our homes are an expression of ourselves the place from which we jump out into the world. A safe place to retreat to when life gets difficult. The place in which we nurture ourselves and recharge our batteries. A place to engage and connect with friends and family.
I am noticing a real difference in my energy & motivation in this new place. Granted to some extent I have felt this in other places, yet this is a deeper feeling. You see, in most of my previous places, I never felt the motivation to really decorate. In my last place I had one picture on the walls. Here I feel motivated to decorate and invest in my space. There is also another significant fact about this place. My two boys for the first time have their own rooms. Up until now they have shared. I wonder what will they do with their individual spaces???
The other exciting thing is that this is an unattached house. No neighbors above or below. I can play my music loud and stomp my feet and I no longer need to tell my kids to walk lightly or keep their voices down. Freedom!!!!!
So I share with you a great folk song that captures the essence of how I am feeling.
So here we are….we made it to 2009. Yippeee. I am quite happy to be starting new and leaving last year behind. Not that it was a particularly bad year or anything, it just seemed there was a lot of struggle which I am happy to release. The struggle of course brought invaluable learning which is great as well and tiring.
This time of year can bring a lot of pressure to begin taking action in your life. The other day at work I was asked by a co-worker; “Ross, what are your New Year’s resolutions”? Well the truth is that I don’t have any. My thoughts around this New Year are that it feels like we can begin to really focus on what it is that we want in our lives and get it. So I find myself in a place of simply having an awareness of what I want with a keen eye on where I can take action. Ready to pounce like a cat going for the prey. The fact is that if I think of all steps it will take to fulfill change in areas of my life it can be overwhelming. On the other side of that if I am really clear on what I want I will no what to jump on when the opportunity presents itself. We tend to get so caught up in “how” we need to accomplish our goals that we miss the real opportunities that come along. It is also a way of allowing yourself to be present in the moment and live your life without getting swept away in the details. After a brief discussion my co-worker said that she was planning to go to Australia after graduation and there was a lot of stress around it. We agreed on the fact that by letting go of the details she would also be “trusting” herself to take all the right steps that would indeed get her to her goals. I believe that if we are truly going after what we want nothing can get in our way and we will be keenly aware of the opportunities that arise that allow us to take action. So the real question is not necessarily what are your resolutions. The real question is what do you truly want in 2009? Remember to enjoy the ride….. I think the band Trooper said it well, We’re here for a good time not a long time.
Trooper – We’re here for a good time (best sound quality I could find…boring video)
So I took a two week break from writing, at least that’s how it turned out. Seasons Greetings everyone.
I had an interesting situation this morning as I got ready to go to work shortly after 5am. It snowed all night here which left at least 12 Inches of snow on the ground if not more. I didn’t hit the snooze button this morning and instead got up right away to give myself extra time to get to work in the snow. I park my car in a parking lot behind my building which is half covererd and gated. There is a security gate that slides from left to right. So I start my car click the remote for the gate and it won’t open. Great. I dig out the gate and it opens. Get back in my car and try to drive out before it closes. That was when I got stuck. There was no way to move the car. No shovel and certainly no volunteers to come push me at 530am. I realized at this point that I was not driving to work and had to call a taxi. The problem was that I decided to leave my car where it was which meant I was likely blocking the way for anyone else to get out. At this point I am late and can’t get a hold of the person I am working with to let her know what was happening. So I was faced with the following dilemnas:
1) I was late….I hate being late and I couldn’t communicate with the person that was waiting for me possibly in the cold.
2) I had to abandon my car which would affect my neighbors in my building
3) My car was either going to get towed or I had to get it towed.
4) I had a responsibility to get to work and open the store for customers. Seriously the world ends when Starbucks doesn’t open on time…..
5) I was feeling sick and really would have rather been in bed anyway.
Now I have to say that this was all compounded by the fact that I wasn’t feeling well at all. In the end I got to work over an hour late and we got the store open. I went back later and got my car unstuck with help from a neighbour and all was somewhat good again. After all, we all have times when we need to dig out our car, what’s the big deal. Well, in the midst of this I tried to let it all go. I mean really it’s just coffee, who cares if Starbucks doesn’t open on time. Who cares about my car, it will work out in the end. So what If I end up paying towing fees. Let it go it’s not a big deal. Just go with the flow. Easier said than done.
What I realized after the dust settled is that this is a story rooted in some serious core values. I also realize I need to let things go. But seriously. I have a strong value around timeliness. I value communication. I value taking responsibility for your actions and not allowing your decisions to impact others. I value the responsibility that comes with my job and don’t like to let people down. I have come to value self care and doing what is right for yourself in the moment.
Calling it a snow day and going back to bed simply was not an option for me yet it is what I would have liked to do. So my point is that in every situation or interaction there is an opportunity to discover what is important to you. What do you value at your core? Your values are what guide you and keep you centered and strong. There is also an opportunity to respond to and change your relationship to your values and give yourself and others some room to breathe when needed which leads to balance and fulfillment. Well, yet another lesson learned. I finished my day by having some soup and climbing into bed for a nap…..
At work the other day I began to notice something. We seem to be moving through life at an alarming speed. I manage a fairly busy Starbucks location and over the weekend I was surprised at people’s urgency to get their coffee. I could literally feel peoples energy moving towards the counter. The next person/s in line couldn’t wait to get to order. This was on a Sunday. I remember when nothing was even open on Sunday’s. Does that make me old? Sunday used to be a day of rest amongst other things. When stores began to open on Sundays there was a lot of controversy and rules around it. At London Drugs the automotive aisle had gates on it so that you couldn’t buy products and “work” on your car. Speaking of cars, what I am describing here is similar to that person driving behind you that just can’t wait to pass you at the first opportunity. In such a hurry, that they will pass you on the double solid.
My kids and I often have what we call “Nothing Days” where we don’t even get dressed let alone leave the house. We love it. It is refreshing, relaxing and there are no expectations.
What is the cost of all this urgency? Is something wrong? Have we forgotten to enjoy life and to simply relax? Everything is coming at us at warp speed. Faster, bigger, better.
I believe we are missing a lot in the process and becoming very out of touch with ourselves. When was the last time you connected with the person behind the counter. Or took the time to say hello to the person behind you in the line up? Or noticed the scenery as you were driving instead of talking on the phone? What are you missing by always being 5 minutes late for everything? Is your day full of tasks and lacking fulfillment?
Slow down and observe all that you are missing. Slow down and say hello to the smiling baby. Listen to the children laughing and living life in the moment. Stop and get to know your neighbor. Say hello to the person in the elevator instead of looking at the floor. Leave for work fifteen minutes earlier and enjoy your coffee. Take some time to reconnect with yourself. Eliminate some of the must do’s on your calendar and replace with what you want to do. Take the time to lookout for your fellow human beings and connect with them. Slow down and begin to notice the gifts in life that are always present. Slow down and notice your breath.
You never know, you might meet your new best friend in the process.
This is probably one of the most powerful questions in coaching and the essence of what coaching is about. Moving towards and being in alignment with what you truly desire in your heart. It becomes a difficult question when your beliefs and experiences block your ability to be open to your dreams and desires. Busting through the blocks creates new experiences and a new reality.
The truth is that anything is possible if we believe in it and follow our hearts. I think we allow our thoughts to get in the way when we focus on the “how” of what it is that we want. We get in the way of what is possible. Through choice we become the creators of what we want in our lives. The simple choice is to truly say “yes” to what we want with all our being. This choice leads to commitment which turns into action.
As children we don’t worry about the how. All life is magical and anything is possible, there are not yet any limiting beliefs. As children we dream and we dream big. So when answering the question of what you want, the best way to answer it is from a playful childlike space with the belief that anything is possible.
My challenge to you, is to take some time to answer the question What do you truly want? Here are some further questions to guide you through the process.
If I believed anything was possible what would I ask for?
Find the child inside you that dreams big and answer the question from that place.
What does it feel like to have received what you want? Use all your senses. What do you see, hear, smell, feel?
What would you look like / act like? Who would be around you / with you?
What activities or groups would you belong to that support these dreams?
When you have gone through the process you may end up with an idea of many things that you want. Turn what you want into an affirmative statement/s. Spend time focusing on your statement daily. Think about what you want when you go to sleep each night.
Lastly if you go through the process and you find it difficult. Take note of your thoughts / beliefs that are getting in the way and turn them around. Focus on questioning your thoughts. Are they true? Try to let them go?
Some wisdom from the Magical World of Disney…..I think I’m going to go rent a Disney Movie now.
Have you ever been in a situation where you are talking to someone and you can literally see their eyes glazing over as you are speaking? You see that you are having an impact as the speaker. Or worse have you ever been in a situation where the person talking to you is going on and on and you have no idea what they are talking about and they don’t realize the impact they are having on you? More importantly, you just want to hear the bottom line of what it is wanted or needed from you.
As the speaker I think it is very important to be aware of the impact you are having. Notice body language, engagement and interest. There are times where it is appropriate to go into details and expand on what you are feeling and thinking and there are also times where you need to be concise and to the point.
In being trained as a coach we were taught how to help a client to or ask a client for the bottom line of what is being communicated. Think of it as a funnel with a tiny opening you are widdling down to the core of what is being said. We often share a lot of story in conversation which is entirely appropriate at the right time. At other times what is needed is simply a yes or no answer. Or the facts.
Suggestions for clarity.
Read the situation – Determine if the time is appropriate for the conversation. Ex. If your boss has his coat on and has said goodbye, is it the best time to corner him for a chat. Perhaps let he / she know that you would like to talk the next time they are in.
Check for Understanding – Watch the listener’s body language see how what you are saying is landing. Ask questions. Ex. Am I making sense? Are you ok with what I am saying / sharing?
Be concise and to the point – Ask yourself what is it exactly that I want to convey to the listener and share that. Again you can ask if they need more information or clarification.
Check for engagement – Is the listener truly listening to you and what you are saying. If not find out why? Ex. are they focused on you and looking at you or are they watching people around you. If you are talking to someone on the phone, do you have their full attention or are they doing the dishes or checking email. If you listen carefully you will notice.
I recently wrote about listening. In conflict, being open to and actively listening can be very difficult because often we are defending our position. When I have found myself in a position of mediating conflict, I have found that within what is being said there is usually an acknowledgement of what the other person is saying and feeling. However, it is not being heard. Once I pull these facts into the open the conflict begins to diffuse.
What fascinates me is how often there is no communication when there is conflict. This is a bit scary to me, because when a conversation doesn’t happen there is little or no likelihood of resolution. This is particularly frustrating when the conflict exists between people who are working together on a regular basis. The bottom line is that there is likely a real reluctance to have the conversation. After all, we have all been on the recieving end of critical feedback. Why would we want to do that to another person? The thought of being honest with someone about how we are feeling can be a heavy burden. It is my belief that the scariest conversation is actually the one that doesn’t happen.
When you become frustrated with another persons actions, you carry the energy of the situation. You can release the energy by letting the problem go or by having a conversation with the other person. If you don’t take action you are carrying that negative energy with you. The other thing is, that by not having the conversation, you are not allowing the other person an opportunity to change or become aware of the impact they are having. Another factor is, that we all have our own perceptions and beliefs about a situation. There can be 2 people who are each holding onto their beliefs of each other. It is only when they sit down and are honest with each other that they can figure out what the truth is. This can result in really clearing the air and allowing for positive dialogue.
Some quick tips for difficult conversations.
1) Sleep on it - Take some time to let the emotion of the moment diffuse. This can create an opportunity for a more productive and positive conversation. I can think of lots of times that I have said something in the heat of the moment and really wished i hadn’t. It is however important to be timely. Personally, I don’t like to hear about something a week or more after the fact.
2) Focus on the behaviour rather than the person - Focusing on the behaviour will make it less personal. Ex. “Beth, when you gave me feedback in front of that customer i felt intimidated”
3) Ask for what you want - Ex. “I appreciate feedback because it gives me an opportunity to change, in future i would appreciate if the feedback was given in a private location away from coworkers and customers”
4) Be Honest & Open – The problem or situation is unlikely to be resolved if you aren’t sharing or talking about the real problem. Being honest can also build trust.
5) Ask for help - If you are uncomfortable with the situation ask a friend, coworker or supervisor for help. Often clarity can come from seeking the advice of a neutral party. In work situations it can also be beneficial to involve the human resources dept. if needed. If you are feeling threatened or uncomfortable you need to take whatever action you feel comfortable with and if that means going to a higher power, I believe that’s what you should do.
Conflict on Sesame Street
Just for fun I want to share this video i stumbled upon because I totally remember it from when I was a kid. The truth is that it has popped into my head on occasion…..
Last week I went to New Orleans with Starbucks for a Leadership Conference. 10,000 managers from around North America converged on the city. As I reflect on the experience I take away the awareness of what can happen when we come together to influence change. It is my belief that true community spirit or a coming together is what will change the world in a positive way. During the conference Starbucks managers did approx. 50,000 hours of community service, painting houses, landscaping, beautification projects. The stories of what the people of New Orleans have gone through after Katrina as well as the gratitude they showed for the support was absolutely amazing.
There was another great experience which was getting to see and learn about the Playing for Change band. This is a group of street performers / artists from around the world that are playing for peace. Part of what they do is raise money to build music schools in Africa. There music will be coming to Starbucks in 2009. I experienced them live during the conference and fell in love with Grandpa Elliot. See videos below.
Our workplace is a natural community where we can discover our passions and make a difference in the community that we live in. That is one of the things that excites me about being a manager of a Starbucks, i am empowered to contribute positively to the community in which we reside. Community is one of the things I love about Squamish. Whatever your passion, I assure you there is a community of like minded individuals that you can become a part of.
Stand By Me – Playing for Change
Playing for Change Live at the Starbucks Leadership Conference in New Orleans
I was up in the front the energy of the crowd was absolutely amazing!! FYI they did about 3 encores after that as well. Grandpa Elliot played a gut wrenching version of Amazing Grace on the Harmonica. There is a video below of Grandpa Elliot.
The lost art of listening. Is it a lost art? I don’t remember being taught in school how to really listen. It wasn’t until I was 36 years old that I was taught a completely different awareness of what it means to truly listen.
Last week I attended a meeting with one of the candidates running for the Municipal Election in Squamish. I was struck by his ability to listen. Now, he definitely talked a lot and was very well spoken. The fascinating thing was, that he actually heard and answered all the questions and checked back to make sure that he had in fact answered to the satisfaction of the person asking. To me this is pretty impressive espescially for someone in politics. I know I have felt the frustration in watching politicians talk about everything but the question at hand.
The lack of listening is most present during conflict when each person is simply presenting their side of their story. I recently facilitated a conversation and I had to constantly stop each person from interupting and talking over the speaker. I also would repeat back the important information that wasn’t being heard. It was fascinating to be a part of the process. In this case the outcome was very positive.
There are 3 levels of listening:
Level 1 is Internal Listening. When you listen at this level you are processing what is being heard through your own experiences and you may be judging what is being said based on your values and beliefs. This is an important part of listening and it is difficult to hear what is really being said.
Level 2 is Hard Focused Listening. At this level there is a laser like focus and a strong effort on hearing what is being said. Think of a mother with a sick child. There may be lots happening around her but she is 100% focused on taking care of the needs of her child. Level 2 is about listening intently to every word that is being said.
Level 3 is Global Listening. This is about hearing or seeing what is not being said. It is about noticing the impact you are having as well as noticing the body language and energy of the other person. At this level you are noticing what is not being said and calling that forward.
Some food for thought. Take some time to notice your listening skills. Acknowledge yourself when you are doing a good job at listening. Notice when you are not able to listen and what makes it difficult. It is about raising your awareness. For example if someone phones you and you are distracted by email ask them to call you back and be honest with them about that fact.
Below is a Dilbert video that shows a great example of Level 1 listening.
I just finished reading Katy Hutchison’s memoir Walking After Midnight. This is a story of Katy’s journey after losing her husband Bob to murder when he checked on a teenagers’ party at a friend’s house in Squamish. Katy was left a widow with four-year old twins Emma & Sam. It is a story of how her life unfolds after this horrific event and the choices that she makes.
I lived in Squamish when this happened. I remember the code of silence that hung over the town as we looked for answers. I remember the criticism that was given to Katy for leaving and starting her life again in Victoria. In reading the memoir I have a clear understanding of this woman’s courage and why she took the path that she did.
For me it is an excellent reminder of how we can live our life to the fullest by honouring what lies deep at our core. We are always moving to a bigger version of ourselves. The experiences and challenges we are given ensure that is always happening. The choices we make and how we answer is where we have an opportunity to live life large. Although my life experiences pale in comparison to what others face I realize that I have this part of me that absolutely will not give up. I have this voice that is always challenging the situations I am faced with and I ultimately find the higher path. It is this same voice that gets me really excited about Life Coaching and helping others to realize their path in life. It is a way of awakening to our higher purpose and taking control of our life. I believe that we all have an opportunity to make a difference in this life. The first step is to answer when we hear that voice, and step up to the challenge. We also don’t need to do this alone. We can solicit the support of friends and family and groups of like minded individuals to help.
Living life large is not about becoming something we are not. It is about fully embracing who we are.
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